


Better Get Out (While You Can)

by Sawnee



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Identity Issues, Tears, Violence, could be a Steve/Bucky but really they just love each other wether it's platonic or romantic, lots and lots of tears and crying, mention of Natasha Romanov - Freeform, mention of Sam Wilson - Freeform, why do they all cry so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-26 21:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1703522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sawnee/pseuds/Sawnee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He chases him, and He won’t give up.<br/>(post CATWS, more or less Barnes' POV; contains violence, tears, identity issues, experimental use of lettercase)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Get Out (While You Can)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because of [this post](http://buckkybbarnes.tumblr.com/post/86319743396/angsty-stucky-fic-based-off-of-mcrs-i-dont-love). It absolutely didn't turn out as I wanted it to but I'm still more or less happy about it so there you go ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ it hasn't been beta-read so if you find errors you can tell me and I'll edit the stuff.  
> The use of the upper/lower case is intentional.  
> Thanks to [Celia](http://dobatseatcas.tumblr.com/) and [Clémence](http://dammit-sherlock.tumblr.com/), who said they liked it ( ´ω` )

He comes back. He always comes back.

He chases him, and He won’t give up. won’t take no for an answer. no matter how many times He gets His ass kicked, no matter how many punches in the face -with the left arm, the Weapon- no matter how many times he spits on His face and tells Him to fucking leave him alone. no matter how many times Natalia and that Falcon guy have to drag Him back to their hideout of the moment, half conscious and covered in bruises, barely able to even think properly -and even in these moments He still manages to trash and splutter about him. He won’t even fight, the moron. He’d doge as many punches he can -not much- and try not to get mortally wounded -it happens once, he pukes for hours afterwards- but He never fights back. talks slowly. raises His hands in a pacific gesture. talks gently. tells him He doesn’t want to fight. says He wants to help.

they -He- follow him when he leaves the country. he almost manages to lose them in France but they find him, they find him and this fight is the one where He almost dies. they destroy a whole small city, and they end up like always, with Him under him, and he punches and punches and He is crying and he is crying too and he leaves and runs and He follows him and- he gets flashes, figments of past lives. he sees himself killing, killing so much, and he doesn’t know what to do with all of these pieces of lives that have been his and taken and he doesn’t want them back because everything is blood, starts with blood and ends with blood and He should never be associated with so much blood, He is to be protected and he doesn’t understand how Falcon and Natalia are letting Him chase him because he’ll stain Him he’s already staining Him because he doesn’t know any other way than the way of Blood. he is a Weapon, he is the Winter Soldier.

He tries to stop him and he hits and hits and hears something crack and then something else and He can’t properly say that name He keeps on saying correctly now and it comes out as a gargling “huhhy” now. He has trouble breathing and speaking and the sounds of strained breathing are too familiar and he takes a handful of His hair and clenches it hard and hisses a “leave me alone” that would be more threatening if his forehead wasn’t pressed against His or if he wasn’t crying but he can’t help it because he just remembered a time and place decades and decades ago when his hand weren’t stained and had tended injuries just like the ones they keeps inflicting Him now.

he tries hiding in Russia but Natalia’s always on his heels. he doesn’t let them come near him anymore, not after that last fight. he manages to lose them in Ukraine, though. after the first few days he thinks everything’s good and. then. he’s hiding in an old building where the Winter Soldier had stashed some weapons and basic survival needs and. he stops doing anything. he doesn’t leave his lair for weeks. doesn’t eat or drink enough. doesn’t wash himself. thinks too much, sleeps too much. things become hazy and he’s not sure what is dream what is nightmare what is recollection and he wakes up. he wakes up and Steve is next to him, trying to make him drink and  _touching_  him and then Bucky/James/Barnes/the Winter Soldier screams at Him and says he’s going to stain Him and Steve -Steve- He smiles and cry and tells him nobody is stained but He doesn’t know He hasn’t seen He wasn’t there He didn’t hear the screams and supplications and He doesn’t know how good it felt to hurt and kill and own but Steve good Steve nice Steve wants to help but there’s nothing to do because he’s got nothing to save anymore

he tells Him oh he tells Him he’s not that man anymore and never will be again he tells Him he barely remembers and that who he was is drowned by what he’s done and been ordered to do but Steve gentle Steve oh Steve tells him he’ll remember for the both of them and that everything is going to get better and suddenly Steve is all around him _thought you were smaller_  and it feels as right as it feels wrong and he wants to flee hug fight pull push there’s a sound like a wounded animal and he realises that he is making that noise and he clutches His coat and cries and cries and He cries too and suddenly there’s nowhere else he’d be than in this old dusty building in Ukraine in Steve’s arms with Steve murmuring in his hear that He loved Bucky then and He’d learn to love this new Bucky too and that things wouldn’t be as they used to be but They’d learn because They’d been through so much together  _and I won’t let you go I failed you once and I won’t make that mistake again Buck I’ll take a thousand beatings but none of them will hurt more than being forced to live in a world where you don’t exist do you hear me that’s a fucking promise Buck I’ll never let you go_

_'till the end of the line?_

_'till the end of the line._

and Barnes/Buck/the Soldier cries and Steve does too and He holds him even tighter and it hurts but it feels good and he thinks that maybe

maybe

maybe they’ll manage to do that.


End file.
